There is a smooth glossy surface to carve upon; burned into the wood is the questionable figure of a horse. He is under water.
I waited but no one came. I called out and no one came: jumping, kicking, crying….still alone. I fell silent. There came a whisper…
I have a second shadow. It is hidden where the world will never see, throbbing and squirming. I will never be alone as long as it is with me.
August 3, 2005
I am contaminated by whats been done to me.
August 4, 2005
If only I could peel away the putrid flesh engrossing my body; bleed out the poison. Beauty blossoms deep within only to be lost among fear. The walls have collapsed leaving the path destroyed.
August 5, 2005
Where does love go when it has gone? Perhaps it was never there. There is no way to go back now.
August 6, 2005
Pain always finds a way of seeping out. Maybe if people were asking I wouldn’t feel like sharing the secret so badly. I would say “don’t you feel bad now for not noticing?”
August 7, 2005
If only I could collapse inside myself.
It swarms around my head searching for a way inside. I wish I could bolt the doors and windows and scream out, but instead I invite it in for tea. I get few words in, too busy cooking and feeding. I welcome the insults, which sound satisfyingly more painful in my own voice. “You’re going to drive yourself crazy” others say, they don’t understand.
So hard to break beneath the waves that crash and swirl around me. The salty taste fills my mouth and nose and burns inside my chest. If only I could swim back to shore, where the water was beautiful.